Friend zone

Causes

A Chicago Tribune writer suggested there were a few situations in which someone might become relegated to the friend zone:

person A is not sufficiently attracted to person B

person A misinterprets nonverbal cues from person B signaling their interest in deepening the relationship

person B does something that is a turn-off to person A, such as making offensive statements.

Writer Jeremy Nicholson in Psychology Today suggested that when a romantic pursuer, in order to avoid being rejected up front, uses a ploy of friendly acts as a "back door" way in to a hoped-for relationship that this approach rarely works. When it doesn't work, the pursuer consequently finds themselves in the friend zone. (However, see "gender differences" section below.)

The term "friend zone" is sometimes used in pick up artist (PUA) literature, where it forms part of PUA theories about female sexual attraction to males; however, PUA theories are controversial and have been criticised by feminists.

Descriptions of the friend zone

One man likened being "in the friend zone" to being a "third wheel" and having only a platonic relationship with a woman. In another instance, a woman described her male friend, someone she was comfortable with as if he was one of her girlfriends, but their relationship became problematic when he wanted their relationship to develop romantically but she did not.

Marshall Fine of The Huffington Post suggested that the friend zone is "like the penalty box of dating, when your only crime is not being buff and unobtainable." Dating adviser Ali Binazir described the friend zone as Justfriendistan, and wrote that it is a:

"territory only to be rivaled in inhospitability by the Western Sahara, the Atacama, and Dante's Ninth Circle of Hell."

Mastin Kipp of the Huffington Post described himself as always having girlfriends who were "girls" but were only his "friends", meaning there was no sex between them.

Gender differences

According to a Chicago Tribune writer, in a friendship between two people, being relegated to the friend zone can happen to either person.

According to some psychologists, the man in a cross-gender friendship is more likely to be attracted to his woman friend than she is to him, and he is more likely to overestimate her interest in a romantic or sexual relationship.

Criticism of the term

Feminist bloggers such as Rivu Dasgupta and Amanda Marcotte have argued that the friend zone concept is misogynistic. Dasgupta sees the friend zone as being rooted in male narcissism. The nice guy concept has been criticized as a gender trope with an underlying message that kind acts demand a sexual or romantic reward. Dasgupta and Marcotte say that the concept implies that if a woman and a man have a platonic friendship and the man becomes romantically attracted to the woman, then the woman has an obligation to return his affection. A woman who does not return her "nice guy" male friend's affection is viewed negatively or seen to be at fault.

What feminists object to is that acts of "serial kindness" are not done in a spirit of selfless friendship, but as favors demanding compensation, favors which impose on the woman a reciprocal obligation of sexual reward. Further, some feminists are bothered that the agenda in such relationships is driven by men's needs for sex rather than women's needs for friendship. Ryan Milner of the College of Charleston argued that the friend zone concept is a nuanced and harmful aspect of patriarchal authority and male domination, and wrote how women could be seen negatively as a result:

Women who put ‘nice guys’ in the friend zone were accused of abuse, manipulation, and neglect ... Friend Zone Fiona is premised on this perceived injustice. Fiona ‘loves you ... like a brother’, ‘totally wants you ... to meet the right girl someday’, and ‘invites you over ... to fix her computer’. The image juxtaposes the first clause premise and the second clause punch line to elevate hopes, and then crush them.

The Guardian contributor Ally Fogg argues that while the friend zone does not exist in a literal sense, men who use the term "friend zone" are not necessarily misogynists who feel entitled to sex. He states the term's usage does reflect a genuine emotional experience for straight men with low self-esteem and self-confidence. He speculates these men don't feel entitled to sex, thus accept and even expect the rejection they receive. He places blame on ingrained gender roles that expect men to be the ones to initiate romantic advances and place an undue burden on more shy and reserved men. Fogg says, "it requires a particularly bleak view of human nature to assume that this means the friendship was never genuine, or that he secretly believes the woman should have been obliged to have sex with him," warns that "there is a danger in labeling men like this as misogynists or creeps", and says that the shaming of sexually reserved men is related to shaming of sexually assertive women.

Etymology

The term was popularized by a 1994 episode of the American sitcom Friends entitled "The One with the Blackout", where the character Ross Geller, who was lovesick for Rachel Green, was described by character Joey Tribbiani as being the "mayor of the friend zone". The question of whether a man can ever "escape the friend zone and begin dating one of his female friends" helped make the "geek dream couple" of Ross and Rachel storyline dramatically compelling, according to viewers. Writers from the TV show based the term on The Twilight Zone, a sci-fi show which often described ordinary people getting stuck in unusual situations.

Popular culture

Since then, the friend zone concept has often been a plot element in television shows and films. The 2005 film Just Friends features a main character, played by Ryan Reynolds, reunited after ten years with his friend played by Amy Smart, who informs him that she loves him "like a brother", essentially dashing any hopes of him having her as a girlfriend.

MTV aired a reality show entitled FriendZone from 2011 to 2013. Each episode is based around "crushers" who are friends with the "crushees", but want to begin relationships with them. In an interview with a national publication, a producer said:

The idea for the show came out of my own experience. Unfortunately, I know the pain of telling the girl of your dreams you love them and want to take the relationship to the next level only to be told they don't feel the same. I figured if it happened to me, it might be something others could relate to as well. If it works, you have the beginnings of a great love story. If it doesn't, well, pain and humiliation make great TV, too.