"The New Adventures of Old Tom" is the eighteenth episode of the fourteenth season of the animated sitcom Family Guy, and the 267th episode overall. It aired on Fox in the United States on May 8, 2016, and is written by Travis Bowe and directed by Steve Robertson. The title is a play on the sitcom The New Adventures of Old Christine.
The Griffins head to the mall to buy Lois new underpants, since Peter, Cleveland and Joe ruined all of her current pairs by stretching them out to use as slingshots (Quagmire found a very different use for them, but it also left Lois unable to wear them anymore). Peter wants to ride on the kiddie train, but is denied entry due to being an adult.
Meanwhile, at the mall, Brian falls for a girl working at the jewelry store named Shelby and lies that he is a millionaire, which wins her over and he purchases a $10,000 diamond that he plans to return for a full refund in 3 days per store policy.
Peter fools around the mall by playing video games like "Michael Douglas' Munch-Out" and getting a makeover. Lois eventually decides to leave without him. After they leave, Peter tries to search for them and encounters an amazingly stylish-coiffed Mort Goldman along with a fat guy who joins his call for "Lois!" because Lois clearly has a thing for overweight men as he tells Peter. Around closing time, he decides to ride on the kiddie train, but breaks the acceleration lever, causing him to spin out of control. While out of control, Peter expresses the facts that like an actual Amtrak train, there could be an accident. He then breaks the Fourth wall and tells the audience that on their screen is an actual list of rail disasters. During the list, the Loco-Motion by Little Eva starts playing.
Brian continues his millionaire sham and decides to return the ring, but is dismayed when he finds out that Chris ate it upon mistaking it for a lugnut. So he and Stewie decide to force Chris to poop it out. The three try to force it out by going to a health food storage, but eventually attract an angry mob of feminists. They also try and fail to purge the ring at an unnamed fast food restaurant where huge lines of customers are waiting to order food that will either make them defecate or vomit (Stewie says that the audience knows what restaurant this is, strongly implying it's "Arby's").
The next day, Peter's exploit at the mall is revealed, but Lois is more excited at seeing the attractive young new anchor, Dallas Portland, who is reporting Peter's incident. When he returns home, Lois, Bonnie Swanson, and Donna Tubbs-Brown intrude on his TV time to watch Portland much to his frustration. While sulking at the Drunken Clam, he meets Tom Tucker, who reveals that Portland replaced him as the late night anchor. Not wishing to have Lois watch Portland every night, Peter and Tom team up to take Portland down. They try to make a Go-Pro skate video to the music of the Beastie Boys song "Sabotage", but that ends when Peter is mauled by a bear who then uses the camera to make a show called "Bear Scares". The duo then try to have Tom act like a young, slang-using gangsta to outstrip Dallas. When Tom attempts to tattoo something on his nose which has him suffer blood loss offscreen, he is fired from anchoring which Dallas reports about. Lois is upset at Peter for his instigation in the crazed plan. After an argument with Lois followed by another "Bear Scarers" moment, Peter sets out to apologize to Tom and offers him a job, but Tom states that it's over for him like Billy Zane.
While lamenting, Chris and Brian have a spat which Stewie tries to break up. Hoping for a miracle, they drive to the mall, where they make it into the jewelry store just before it closes as they slide under the security gate as it closes. From behind the security gate, Brian is heard wanting to return the ring after Chris' explosive diarrhea causes it to emerge. Shelby doesn't sound angry about being covered with diarrhea and is angered that Brian wasn't honest. Stewie is audibly pissed off that HE is as well.
When Peter sulks out of Tom's apartment, he sees Tom about to jump off the roof and runs to the roof to try and stop Tom. When Dallas and the news crew arrive, the footage is seen by Joe, Mort, and Billy Zane. Peter takes credit for the suicide attempt and has Tom anchor it. When he is asked about the "suicide," Peter states that he is remorseful for having "a guy" lose his job. Knowing that he means him, Tom tells Peter that "whoever this is", he is very appreciative of Peter's act and talks Peter out of the act, but Peter eventually hits Tom off the roof. However, he announces that Tom survived by landing on people.
The next day, the Griffin family start to wrap things up now that Tom is an anchorman again since the suicide attempt raised the ratings at Channel Five. Outside the Griffin house, the man who was hoping to score with Lois at the time when Peter was stranded at the mall comes searching for her, whisking her away in his helicopter after luring her out by his claim of wealth. Stewie then quotes to Brian "Well, I'm big enough to admit when I'm wrong," since he said earlier that Brian had no idea what a helicopter sounds like when he made noises to fool Shelby on the phone. The man's helicopter made exactly the same noise.
During the credits, bloopers of Peter and Tom's Go-Pro skate video are shown.
The episode received an audience of 2.76 million, making it the most watched show on Fox that night.