"The Come-back of Battling Bilson" is a short story by P. G. Wodehouse, which first appeared in the United States in the June 1935 issue of Cosmopolitan and in the United Kingdom in the July 1935 Strand. It was included in the collection Lord Emsworth and Others, published in the U.K in 1937, and in the U.S. version of Eggs, Beans and Crumpets, published in 1940. It features the irrepressible Stanley Featherstonehaugh Ukridge.
Contents
Main characters
Plot
Jimmy Corcoran, having had a story idea turned down by Hollywood, attacks the talking picture, but his friend Ukridge comes to its defence. He has, he says, always had a special affection for the talkies. He tells his friend why...
About to be left alone once more at his Aunt Julia's house, Ukridge realises he can make some quick cash by renting out the lawns to a party of folk dancers. Of course, Aunt Julia's trip is unexpectedly cancelled, and Ukridge needs some cash to pay back the dancers, who are upset at having their party cancelled at the last minute.
Ukridge sets up a bout for "Battling" Billson, using the man's desire to wed his girl Flossie to persuade him to take part. Finding Billson's training methods (mostly involving ale and cigars) somewhat lacking, Ukridge inveigles the big boxer into his Aunt's house as an odd-job man, allowing him to personally supervise the training regime. His aunt is a little nonplussed, but is soon persuaded everything is alright.
The training continues apace, but Billson seems to be benefitting little. His waist expands and his wind does not. The butler Oakshott, it emerges, having wowed Billson with his dignified manner, is now plying the boxer with an excess of food, cigars and port. Ukridge has just discovered that the conniving butler has money on Billson's opponent in the upcoming bout, when Aunt Julia learns of Ukridge's dance scheme, and throws him out of the house. He tries to persuade Billson to leave with him, but the big man resolutely refuses.
Ukridge, seeing disaster loom, fetches Flossie to the house to talk some sense into Billson. They find he has gone to the pictures with the butler, and hasten down there, but Flossie is as weak before the butler's fatherly gaze as Billson himself. All four of them end up in the cinema, at a screening of The Jazz Singer. When the talking starts up, Billson is enraged, calling loudly for quiet in the cinema. The audience reacts strongly, fighting ensues, and Billson is hauled off to jail for two weeks. He emerges trim and in top form, easily besting his opponent in the ring.