Kalyāṇa-mittatā (Pali; Skt.: -mitratā) is a Buddhist concept of "spiritual friendship" within Buddhist community life, applicable to both monastic and householder relationships. One involved in such a relationship is known as a "good friend," "virtuous friend," "noble friend" or "admirable friend" (kalyāṇa-mitta, -mitra).
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Since early Buddhist history, these relationships have involved spiritual teacher-student dyads as well as communal peer groups. In general, such is a supportive relationship based on shared Buddhist ethical values and the pursuit of enlightenment.
In contemporary Western society, this concept has gained increased currency within the Triratna Buddhist Community (formerly the Friends of the Western Buddhist Order) (UK) and the Spirit Rock Meditation Center (USA).
Post-canonical Pali texts
In the first-century CE exegetic Vimuttimagga, Arahant Upatissa identifies the need to find a "good friend" or "pre-eminent friend" in order to develop "excellent concentration." The good friend should understand the Tipiṭaka, kamma, "beneficent worldly knowledge" and the Four Noble Truths. Citing Anguttara Nikaya 7.36, Upatissa says that a bhikkhūmitto ("monk friend") should have the following seven qualities:
Lovableness, esteemableness, venerableness, the ability to counsel well, patience (in listening), the ability to deliver deep discourses and the not applying oneself to useless ends."
In the fifth-century CE Visuddhimagga ("Path of Purification"), Buddhaghosa also mentions the need to find a "good friend" in the context of finding one who will be your "giver of a meditation subject." As did Upatissa, Buddhaghosa refers to the seven qualities of AN 7.36 and adds that only the Buddha has all these qualities. If the Buddha is not available to be the good friend, then one of the eighty great śrāvakas is recommended; if one of them is not available, then one should find for a good friend who has destroyed all fetters through the attainment of all jhānas and the development of vipassanā. Otherwise, in descending order, one may choose: an anāgāmi or sakadagami or sotāpanna or non-arahat who has attained a jhānic state, or one who knows the Tipiṭaka or two piṭakas or one piṭaka, or one who knows a nikāya and its commentaries and who is conscientious.
The teacher/student relationship
In traditional schools of Buddhist thought, a spiritual friendship is a friendship not between one's peers, but a friendship between a student and their spiritual teacher. From the aforementioned suttas, we can see that the Buddha believed it vital for spiritual growth to have a spiritual friend. This friendship is built on a deep respect for the teacher's knowledge and the student's potential, and, through this respect and friendship, the two individuals learn constructive behaviour. Constructive behaviour in Buddhism is to think, speak, and behave in a constructive way towards life, leading to personal happiness, and, then, to enlightenment.
Within the Vajrayana tradition, the teacher/student relationship is considered of extreme importance to guide the student on the proper tantric path and to avoid the harmful consequences of misunderstanding and incorrect practice.
Peer relationships
Spiritual friendships are important to building a bond between peers within the Buddhist community.
Sangharakshita, the founder of the Triratna Buddhist Community, emphasises Spiritual friendship—that by having a group of peers as spiritual friends, we learn more about being good people than we would in isolation:
[Sangharakshita] stresses the value of friendships with peers, in particular having at least one Platonic friend with whom we can be intimate and completely frank. Through friendship we have the opportunity to develop the virtues of generosity, compassion, patience and forgiveness.