Boston Quackie

Plot

Boston Quackie; "Friend to those who need no friends, enemy to those who have no enemies"; is a secret agent enjoying some time off in Paris with his girlfriend Mary and their little dog when his superior, Inspector Faraway, comes to him with an assignment. Faraway hands Quackie an attaché case that must be delivered to the Slobovian consulate in West Slobovia—however, he warns Quackie that "every spy in the country" will attempt to steal it from him! Immediately upon taking custody of the attaché case, Quackie loses it to a mysterious man wearing a green hat, whereupon Quackie, Mary and the inspector give chase.

Quackie follows the thief to a railroad depot station, where they board the Cloak & Dagger Express. As Quackie sneaks along the passenger cars (one of which is labeled "Electrique-Chair Car," a nod to the electric chair and to the "chair cars" of the day) , a 4-4-2 tender engine No. 12 (and 1434) rings its bell and blows its whistle, which lets out a humongous scream, before the engine starts out, as Quackie manages to grab onto the end of the train. Quackie tries in various ways to prove that the man wears a green hat and thus is the man he's after. The two take tea together, the thief speaking in a Slavic accent, after which the chase resumes. The thief manages to capture Quackie and ties him up in a sack. The thief hangs Quackie at the railroad post office and is knocked off the train by a wigwag until and as Faraway and Mary show up, Faraway notices Quackie hanging in the railroad post office asking why he is hanging in the railroad post office sack, Mary catches the theft, who knocks him out with an anvil. Quackie manages to get out of the bag and eventually prevails, and delivers the attaché case to the consulate.

Quackie is dismayed, however, when the consul (a character inspired by Peter Lorre) produces from the case what appears to be a simple, brown instant-coffee jar, whose label reads: Instructions—Add Water and Pour. Quackie is incredulous, demanding, "You mean, all that hassle just so you could have a coffee break?" The consul pours water into the jar, shakes it, and out pops a beautiful woman in an evening gown and fur wrap—it seems the consul needed an escort for the embassy ball! Quackie then notices a label on the other side of the jar, which reads: "Acme House Instant Girl." Bemusedly, Quackie remarks: "You know, there just might be a market for this!"