The Grand Design (Yes, Prime Minister)

Plot

Jim Hacker has recently become Prime Minister. With several of his officials, Sir Humphrey Appleby among them, he visits the Ministry of Defence in Whitehall. General Howard shows the PM the nuclear button. He tells him that there is a hotline in 10 Downing Street that can “theoretically” get him through to the Kremlin in an emergency, though it’s not tested frequently, as it creates unnecessary panic at the Soviet end. The United Kingdom is about to purchase Trident missiles from the United States (US), and Hacker finds it difficult to take in the magnitude of the decision he would have to make in such a situation, but is told that by comparison, conventional forces are prohibitively expensive.

Back in Downing Street, Hacker is mulling over his options for defence policy and Bernard Woolley, his Principal Private Secretary, advises him. It seems that NATO’s forces are largely unpredictable and most modern nuclear weapon systems, such as Trident and Cruise missiles, are initially undependable as the warheads don’t fit the rockets. Bernard explains that for the most part, the UK is still reliant on defence technology designed during World War II. Hacker seeks a way to boost conventional forces, and the civil servant urges him to speak with the government’s Chief Scientific Advisor.

Hacker meets the Chief Scientific Advisor, who questions the PM’s belief in the nuclear deterrent. By using several scenarios, he convinces Hacker that the chances of him actually deciding to launch a nuclear strike are remote, as Britain’s proximity to other European countries would render such an attack suicidal. However, the Advisor does make the case for the United States and Russia, and recommends that the UK keeps its Polaris missile system just in case. In the meantime, he suggests cancelling the Trident missiles and spending £15 billion on conventional forces instead. Hacker goes further: he decides not to buy Cruise missiles from the US either and to re-introduce conscription. He therefore hopes to solve Britain’s defence, educational, and unemployment problems at a stroke.

Hacker returns to his flat above Number 10. His wife, Annie, is aggrieved at their new living circumstances. In particular, as she is still committed to her voluntary work, there is no time for her to make her husband any lunch.

That afternoon, Hacker is in his private office and is intensely annoyed that the entire Downing Street staff have been able to partake of lunch except for him. He eventually takes this up with Sir Humphrey, who counters that the PM lives in a private house that happens to occupy a government building. To employ a cook/housekeeper at the taxpayers’ expense would necessitate an announcement to the press that Hacker’s first act as Prime Minister would be to effectively announce a salary increase. Sir Humphrey dismisses the request, as the current arrangement has been in place for the last 250 years. He changes the subject, and Hacker is concerned to continue his “run of success.” The Cabinet Secretary suggests “masterly inactivity” as a goal that might be worth pursuing, but Hacker then tells him of his “grand design.” Sir Humphrey is outraged and launches into a passionate argument for retaining the Trident missile system, it being “the nuclear missile Harrods would sell you.” However, Hacker is unmoved.

At a Downing Street reception, Hacker apprises General Howard of his plan to cancel Trident. He is apparently all in favour, but the Royal Navy and the RAF would be against the proposal. He advises the PM that, as the post of Chief of Defence Staff is shortly to become vacant, he should appoint someone with an Army background (like himself). General Howard then comes across Sir Humphrey and praises the Prime Minister. However, Hacker never told the general of his desire to re-introduce conscription—something to which the Army is opposed. Sir Humphrey reassures the general that he will do his best to slow Hacker down, and will have a word with the American ambassador.

Back in Hacker’s office, Hacker is going over the media details for his forthcoming trip to Washington and subsequent meeting with the US President, but Sir Humphrey is anxious that he looks at the agenda for the next Cabinet meeting. The proposal for cancelling the purchase of Trident missiles is conspicuously absent, and Sir Humphrey explains that if the PM were to go ahead and make the announcement, and not order another US system to replace it, the Americans would retaliate by only allowing him to meet the US Vice President. He therefore must postpone it for the time being. Hacker is concerned that he must be seen to achieve something, and Sir Humphrey presents him with news of a personal cook, seconded from the Cabinet Office: something that none of his predecessors had ever accomplished, effectively giving him a place in history.

Cast notes

Quote

Sir Humphrey: With Trident we could obliterate the whole of Eastern Europe!

Hacker: I don’t want to obliterate the whole of Eastern Europe!
Sir Humphrey: It’s a deterrent.
Hacker: It’s a bluff. I probably wouldn’t use it.
Sir Humphrey: Yes, but they don’t know that you probably wouldn’t.
Hacker: They probably do.
Sir Humphrey: Yes, they probably know that you probably wouldn’t. But they can’t certainly know.
Hacker: They probably certainly know that I probably wouldn’t.
Sir Humphrey: Yes, but even though they probably certainly know that you probably wouldn’t, they don’t certainly know that, although you probably wouldn’t, there is no probability that you certainly would!

Sir Humphrey: [About Trident] It is the nuclear missile Harrods would sell you! What more can I say?
Hacker: Only that it costs 15 billion pounds and we don't need it.
Sir Humphrey: [begrudgingly] Well you could say that about anything at Harrods.

Production