Millport (radio show)

The premise and characters

The central character is barmaid Irene Bruce, who refers to her hometown as 'a scabby wee town on a scabby wee island', and hankers after a life on a larger stage on the mainland - at one point in the series gets a job in a bar in 'Machete Street' Paisley (a reference to Paisley's reputation for violence - Paisley is mocked mercilessly throughout the radio series). Irene is perpetually bored, cranky and sexually frustrated, but at the same time unattracted to anyone around her.

Her infuriatingly sweet (and dull) sister Moira writes articles for the (real) treacly magazine The People's Friend; no-one seems to comment on the fact that her dog Robert can talk...

Alberto the owner of the Ritz Cafe (who always refers to himself as a 'Genuine Italian') is obsessed with the idea that the Sicilian Mafia will come to take over his business (in one episode they really try).

He and his irritating adopted daughter Ina (known to Irene as 'that nippy wee dwarf') address each other as 'adopted father' and 'adopted daughter'; Ina frequently prefaces her remarks with the reminder that 'I might be wrong, what with my formative years being spent in a children's home and my rudimentary education having been neglected...'

The doctor always needs a drink.

The meally-mouthed minister fancies Moira.

The bus-driver Bob Scobie fancies Irene but seldom says anything but 'Eh?' and 'Aye' (that is, 'yes') and his entire part is built round responding to the comments and questions of others with one or both of these two monosyllables.

Bunty Pierce is mostly uninvolved with other humans, being obsessed with the vegetables she grows;

Bob's aunt Agnes is mad for toast and forever talking about The War.

Dougie the inept postman features in many episodes.

Betty Sturgeon has called in at the Ritz for pie and peas every lunchtime for thirty years.

Much sherry is drunk...

Cast

Series 1

A pensioner disappears on a tiny Scottish island. From March 2000.

Thirty-something barmaid Irene wonders why her crooked brother has returned to the Scottish island.

Barmaid Irene's got an ulterior motive when matchmaking on the Scottish island. From April 2000.

An unexpected death makes all the islanders question their priorities. From April 2000.

A top restaurant critic causes island speculation when he books a table at Alberto's cafe. From April 2000.

It's turnip season on the Scottish Island - and Irene gets an offer she can't refuse. From April 2000.

Series 2

It's Irene's 33rd birthday - so the island inhabitants have some surprises on the way. April 2001.

Irene enlists Bob's help when strange events send the tiny Scottish island into disarray. May 2001.

Village disputes abound, but how will they be solved if no-one is talking to each other?

People are telling tales, Moira's acting oddly, Bob is ignored - and Irene's confused.

The islanders are bitten by a fitness bug and an inspector arrives to check Bunty's veg.

The islanders unite to save The Cumbrae Bar, but will Irene fight or head to the mainland?

Series 3

Irene arrives on the first ferry of the holiday season, but why is she back on the island?

Can the re-opening of the club go according to plan? And what's in Huberto's suitcase?

As the islanders argue over the club, Irene faces a dilemma over her hysterical sister. Robert the dog escapes to the mainland for a day. Irene still hasn't made it back to Paisley.

The island's neighbours are furious that the town has its own independent public house.

The islanders are excited over the town's media make-over, but can Irene really leave now?

The island make-over's gone sour, so with no Irene - can ailing Bunty stop the bulldozers? Bob and Irene finally get it together.