Rahul Sharma (Editor)

'Allo 'Allo! (series 3)

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The third series of the British sitcom series 'Allo 'Allo! contains six episodes which first aired between 5 December 1986, and 9 January 1987.


Series 3 features the last appearance of Francesca Gonshaw as Maria Recamier.

The following episode names are the ones found on the British R2 DVDs with alternate region titles given below them.

The Nicked Knockwurst

  • Original airdate: 5 December 1986
  • Written by: David Croft & Jeremy Lloyd
  • Directed by: David Croft
  • Produced by: David Croft
  • Episode length: 35 minutes
  • René is in the bathroom on the second floor, having a bath and singing to keep people out, since there is no lock on the door. He is interrupted by various people (Fanny, LeClerc, Yvette and Edith) who want to use the toilet, pour him some more hot water or simply urge him to finish his bath, since they cannot use the one in the yard, because the British airmen are hiding in it. When everybody else has left, Michelle appears at the bathroom window to reveal her latest plan; however, before she is able to, the drainpipe she is holding on to breaks and collapses, making her fall down and injure herself.

    Down in the café, Edith performs to the customers, after which Gruber chitchats with René. However, Hans comes up to them and tells René that the colonel wishes to speak to him. He demands René stop helping the resistance. He agrees to this, but then, something worse occurs. Maria comes in and reveals that Herr Flick's sausage (which contains a forged painting but Herr Flick believes contains the original) has been stolen from the kitchen. Since the original is safe in René's cellar, the German officers are not worried, but René points out that he can get in trouble if Herr Flick asks for his sausage back. Edith then asks for René's attention and they both go into the backroom, where they meet Yvette. She shows officer Crabtree in through the window and he tells them Michelle has been severely injured in the fall. She is brought in on a stretcher and have bandages around her head, arm and leg. She still manages to tell them the latest plan to get the British airmen back to England. They are to steal an old airplane, used to cross the English Channel in 1910, from a nearby museum. As it has no engine, they are also to get their hands on a lawnmower motor to power it. When they have acquired these items, they are to contact her at the hospital.

    Helga is at Herr Flick's office to try out a new uniform, which she is to wear at a Gestapo party. The tailor is there, making some adjustments, but Herr Flick is not satisfied and tears several parts of it away, until she is half naked. Von Smallhausen enters and while Helga puts on her regular clothes behind the dressing screen, he reveals that the communist resistance have stolen Herr Flick's knockwurst sausage and are demanding a ransom for it. Herr Flick wonders why it has taken it four hours for him to come and tell him of this and it turns out, it is because he received the message by being hit on the head with a stone, making him unconscious for the past four hours. As Herr Flick receives the ransom note, he also finds out that the ransom is 800,000 francs. He then tells Helga to inform the Colonel to burn down the town if the painting is not recovered.

    Fanny calls for help from Edith or the girls and when Edith comes into her room, she says she thinks she is going mad, since she is seeing strangers in her bed. However, Edith informs her that they are not strangers - it is the airmen, hiding in the bed, dressed as old ladies. This way, the Germans will not be suspicious if they search the place.

    In the café, Colonel Von Strohm tells René of his predicament of having to burn down the town if the sausage is not found. René informs him that they are dealing with the communist resistance, which is trickier than the regular one. Helga, however, tells them she has a plan. They will give the money to the resistance, get the sausage back and then ambush them to get the money back. They discuss various ways of carrying out this plan and it is decided that René is to obtain the money, but he has no idea how to do it. LeClerc enters the café giving them another note (which he has also received by having a stone thrown in the head). It says the money must be paid by mid day tomorrow or the sausage will be sliced. After discussing some ideas on how to raise the sum, Edith comes up with the idea of borrowing the money from monsieur Alfonse. When the Germans leave, Yvette comes in with a message from Michelle: If they steal the engine on Thursday and the plane on Friday, the airmen can leave on Saturday.

    That same night, Yvette is preparing a dinner for Edith and monsieur Alfonse in the backroom. René comes in and they have a quick cuddle before Edith comes down. After Yvette has left, he also manages a quick cuddle with Maria, before monsieur Alfonse arrives and they finish the preparations. Edith welcomes Alfonse and tells him they will have a quiet dinner in the backroom - alone. She says they want him to join the resistance. When they are alone in the room and have started their meal (soup), he asks how he can be of service. Edith asks him for some money and he thinks it is worth it - for France. However, when she mentions the sum (800,000 francs) monsieur Alfonse's "dicky ticker" (bad heart) sets in and he faints. However, in the end, he lends them the money.

    The next day, Kurt and Hans are disguised as trees with a secret camera, hidden in an owl on one of the branches. The German ambush troops are disguised as gendarmes and approach the place where the ransom is to be paid and take up position nearby. Herr Flick, Von Smallhausen and Helga are watching from behind a big rock and are disguised as resistance girls. Finally, the café gang (René, Edith, Yvette, Maria and LeClerc) are disguised as German soldiers, marching toward the meeting point, which is a bridge over the river. The real resistance girls (of whom there are four) know the café gang are disguised as German soldiers, as do the German troops (disguised as gendarmes). Everything is proceeding according to plan, except for the fact that lieutenant Gruber is walking his two shepherd dogs in the area. On the bridge, the communist resistance receive the money, and then heave the sausage towards René. However, one of Gruber's dogs smells it, runs up to it and steals it before running away with it. Gruber tries to stop him, but cannot; the real resistance girls flee into the woods with the money, while the café gang run after the dog. The Gestapo gang also run after the dog and then the Germans (dressed as gendarmes) think the three of them are the resistance girls and run after them. In order to save the painting, in which lies their pensions, the captain and the colonel, still dressed as trees, also run after the others.

  • Note: This episode marks the beginning of Von Smallhausen's regular appearance on the show.
  • Gruber Does Some Mincing

  • Alternative title: Gruber Carpeted
  • Original airdate: 12 December 1986
  • Written by: David Croft & Jeremy Lloyd
  • Directed by: Robin Carr & David Croft
  • Produced by: David Croft
  • Episode length: 35 minutes
  • René begins by filling the audience in on local gossip, as it is far easier to understand than his own problems. Maria comes in and informs him that the resistance (their resistance and not the communist one) has told her that Gruber's dog has returned to him with the sausage; soon after, Edith comes in and tells René that monsieur Alfonse wants his money back. René then telephones him, to tell him he will have to wait a few days before he can have it back.

    Helga enters Herr Flick's office and informs him that lieutenant Gruber has returned to his apartment and has there been apprehended by Von Smallhausen, whom Herr Flick then asks her to send in. Von Smallhausen reports that they caught Gruber by surprise as he was exercising on the carpet and that he is outside. As he is brought in, it turns out he was rolled up in the carpet and it is unrolled on Herr Flick's floor. Herr Flick asks him for the sausage and he says he put it in his fridge, which is where Von Smallhausen found it. As Herr Flick asks for it to be brought in, the two soldiers who brought in Gruber brings in his entire fridge. When Helga opens it for him, he discovers a plate of minced meat and it turns out Gruber has minced the sausage, because the dog would not eat it otherwise. When Herr Flick asks for the painting, Gruber says he put it in the ice compartment. When Herr Flick opens it and takes out the painting, it falls to pieces (having been destroyed by the cold). Herr Flick says he has destroyed a very valuable painting, but Gruber assures him that it was actually a forgery. This leads Herr Flick to three conclusions. Either, somebody at the café has substituted the paintings, or somebody in the resistance has substituted them, or Gruber has done it. When they all agree that the most likely scenario is that it was done by somebody at the café, Herr Flick orders Gruber to "wheedle" with René, to try to locate the real painting. If René will not "squeel", Gruber is to run his tank (armoured car) through the café.

    Fanny and monsieur LeClerc are in her bed, when the bedknobs start flashing. As Fanny screams, the airmen, who are now dressed as ordinary Frenchmen, get out from under the bed, where they are hiding. Since they know what the flashing knobs mean, they get the radio and try to answer. However, as the London contact addresses them in French, they do not understand the message. However, Fanny and LeClerc get out of bed and answer the call.

    Fanny: "Allo, allo, this is Nighthawk's mother-in-law". London: "Allo, allo. Captain Hook is waiting for Peter Pan in Never-neverland".

    Fanny thinks the message is nonsense, but monsieur LeClerc realises it is in code and gets the code book. However, the printing in it is too small for either of them to read, so they cannot decipher it anyway.

    René tells the colonel and the captain he is in a somewhat troublesome situation, since monsieur Alfonse wants his money back and the Germans' part of the deal was retrieving the money. However, since they have not got the sausage back, they will not help René get the money back. Instead, they make arrangements for the girls to entertain them, in exchange for supplies. After they have finished talking, Edith asks René if the Germans will help them get the money back. When he says no, she tells him Yvette has come up with a plan. René, Edith and Yvette go into the backroom, where Yvette reveals that, after some spying, she has found out that monsieur LeClerc is making forged money. The plan is then to give forged money to monsieur Alfonse, if only they can find out where monsieur LeClerc's money is. René will not hear of it, but when he realises they will not get the real money back, he agrees to the plan. As Maria shows LeClerc into the room, René tells him that the café is on fire. This makes him panick and try to save his forged money, which turns out to be hidden above the ceiling lamp in the backroom.

    Officer Crabtree shows up outside the café and asks Yvette if he can have a word with René. When René joins him at his table, he tells him that Michelle will turn up shortly - which she does after he has left. She turns up, wearing bandages and carrying a crutch, being pushed in Fanny's wheelchair. She gives René the same code ("Captain Hook is waiting for Peter Pan in Never-neverland") that Fanny received on the radio. He does not know what it means, so her assistant Lizette tells him straight away: the escape plan for the British airmen (flying away in a museum airplane powered by a lawnmower engine) has been approved by London. It turns out the resistance have already obtained the engine, from General Von Klinkerhoffen's own mower. They have hidden it in the wheelchair and they leave it there.

    As they leave, lieutenant Gruber shows up in his little tank. As René pours him a cognac at the bar, he tells him what Herr Flick has ordered him to do and that he is not happy about it. Before the threat of having his café run through by the tank, René reveals to Gruber the whereabouts of the original painting. Gruber tells him to give it to Herr Flick, but as he cannot do this (then, the colonel would have him shot), Gruber offers to make another forgery, to put in a new sausage. René is to come to his quarters at night and hand over the original, so Gruber can copy it.

    As Maria and Yvette are in the kitchen, cooking, captain Geering comes in and leaves the supplies to them. As he accidentally drops Maria's bicycle lamp battery in the frogs legs soup, the legs start to wiggle about.

    As Herr Flick invites Helga to be his partner at the annual Gestapo dance in Berlin, he teaches her the Gestapo dance, which she must perform when they dance together. The dance turns out to be a Gestapo version of the Hokey-Cokey. However, he is interrupted by a telephone call from Gruber, informing him that he is very positive about finding the painting. At the same moment, Von Smallhausen enters the room and informs them that general Von Klinkerhoffen's lawn mower engine has been stolen.

    René arranges for Maria to deliver the "real" sausage to Gruber that night; the sausage hidden across her bosom. After she has left, Yvette comes into the kitchen and tells him Edith wants to see him in the backroom. As they have a quick cuddle, Edith comes in and finds them embracing. René explains he is comforting Yvette, because her grandmother just died. When she has left, Edith tells René she was having a look at their wedding photo and it made her realise they should have a new wedding, since everybody expects it. The next moment, monsieur LeClerc comes in and tells them monsieur Alfonse is approaching in his hearse - as they can hear from the hooves clatter and Alfonse's screams outside. When Edith has gone out into the café to attend to him, monsieur LeClerc demands René get his money back, after monsieur Alfonse is satisfied with it.

    Monsieur Alfonse arrives, crashing through the café door, stopping Edith from breaking into song, as she was about to. Alfonse informs her that the reason he came barging in like that was that his new horse is not used to the hearse and it has therefore been difficult to drive. As he asks for his money, René gives him the box where they keep the forged money. As he is relieved to get his money back, Alfonse gets in a generous mode. Not knowing that the money is forged, he offers to buy everyone a drink and even gives Fanny some money to buy a new hat. He also pays for the crushed front door. The situation has become quite desperate, since their cover will be blown, if anybody finds out the money is forged, which is very probable to happen if Fanny uses her money to buy that hat. René panicks when he learns that Fanny is sitting in the wheelchair (where the engine is hidden). When monsieur LeClerc is about to take her to the milliner's, the engine underneath the chair starts, and instead of pushing the wheelchair, LeClerc is dragged along with it. He and Fanny drive through the square, with René, Edith and Yvette chasing after them.

    The Sausage in the Wardrobe

  • Original airdate: 19 December 1986
  • Written by: David Croft & Jeremy Lloyd
  • Directed by: Robin Carr & David Croft
  • Produced by: David Croft
  • Episode length: 35 minutes
  • René is peeping through the key hole in the door to the backroom, where Madame Lenard is modelling some lingerie for Edith to wear on their wedding night. Suddenly, Edith comes out of the room and the next second, Yvette comes in through the front door of the café, reporting that Maria has been arrested by the personal guard of General Von Klinkerhoffen. As she is carrying the sausage with the real painting around her bosom and she may reveal certain things under torture, René decides to escape to his cousin in Bordeaux. As Edith forces him at gunpoint to stay, Hans and Kurt enter the café. They say Herr Flick is looking for his sausage and ask René if it is still safe in his cellar. He explains to them that Gruber threatened to drive his tank through his café, if he would not hand it over to him, but he also informs them that was to give the real painting to Gruber, in order for him to make a copy of it. Secondly, he tells them that Maria has been arrested and that the sausage is now in the hands of the general.

    Maria is brought to General Von Klinkerhoffen to be interrogated as to why she was "snooping" around the chateau. As she says she had a rendezvous with lieutenant Gruber, the general sends for him. Meanwhile, he orders her to take off her hat and coat, which she is reluctant to do. As Gruber enters the room and does not confirm that he was to meet Maria, she reveals the sausage to the general, who places the sausage in the wardrobe in his dressing room to mature and to stop the kitchen staff from eating it. As Gruber is about to leave, the general orders him to let it be known that he will release Maria, when his lawnmower engine is returned. He then orders her into his bedroom, to lie down on his mat.

    When Fanny, in her bed, cries for somebody to come to her aid, Edith comes up to her and tells her she has chosen some lovely things for her wedding night. Fanny thinks she will marry monsieur Alfonse, but she tells her she will marry René, because she loves him. However, they do not know where he is hiding from the Gestapo at the moment, but when the bedknobs start flashing, it turns out that he is hiding in her bed - disguised as an old woman. As he will not help Edith to get the radio out, she asks the airmen (who are now hiding in the cupboard) to help her. As she gets in contact with London, it turns out the airmen's commanding officer, Hargraves, is on the line, wanting to talk to them. He asks if they will be back soon, but when they inform him of the plan with the museum airplane and the lawn mower engine, he has not got big hope of it. When they have signed out, Yvette comes in and tells them the police are here. The airmen quickly hide again, but it only turns out to be officer Crabtree. He has come to arrest Fanny, since she has been passing forged bank notes in the hat shop. When he asks "the bog in your mither's bed" is, René reveals himself to him.

    Herr Flick is showing Helga a roll of film, taken at last year's Gestapo holiday camp, when Von Smallhausen reports by telephone that the sausage containing the painting is hidden in the general's wardrobe. Herr Flick then comes up with a plan to substitute the real knockwurst for an empty one. Helga is to create a distraction for the general, while Herr Flick switch knockwursts.

    Monsieur LeClerc enters the café, disguised as an Italian organ grinder. He tells René and Edith that Maria is being held hostage until the engine is returned and that the sausage is hanging in the general's wardrobe. When he has left, Yvette informs them that Michelle is waiting for them in the backroom. As they come in, they find her hiding under the table and therefore, they all hide under the table while she is about to tell them the plan for stealing the airplane from the museum. However, they inform her of Maria's predicament and that they must rescue her. Edith comes up with a plan, since she knows all the secret passageways in the chateau after having been a serving maid there when she was young. Meanwhile, Gruber tells the colonel and the captain about the situation and the come up with a plan to switch sausages, while Gruber distracts the general.

    Edith explains their plan to Yvette. She will be dressed as a serving maid and bring the general a hot water bottle. While in his bedroom, she will distract him and also give Maria a little note about a secret passage, while Edith and René switch sausages in the wardrobe in the dressing room.

    That same night, the general orders up some snacks to his room. Meanwhile, Edith and René enter the chateau through the secret passageways. They come out through a big cupboard. After avoiding being spotted by a guard, they sneak up the stairs. The colonel and the captain also enter the chateau through the secret passageways, after knocking down another guard. Herr Flick is hiding inside a medieval suit of armour, also sneaking around the corridors. As he approaches the place where Edith and René are looking for a knob to open another secret passage, they are forced to hide and the only place René finds to hide is on the lower shelf of a food trolley, which a soldier delivers to the general's bedroom, outside which Herr Flick is standing in his armour. The general does not want anybody to find out he is having a French girl in his room and therefore forces Maria to hide in a cupboard inside his bedroom (not the one in his dressing room, where the knockwurst is hanging). While the soldier is discussing the snacks with the general, René manages to switch the sausages and quickly hides on the trolley again, before it is rolled into the general's bedroom, after which Maria is allowed to come out of the cupboard. However, she is soon forced into it again, when Yvette (disguised as a maid) turns up with a warming pan to warm the General's bed. René manages to sneak out from the trolley and hide under the bed, just as Yvette places the warming pan there and Edith pops up out of the commode next to it. Yvette starts stripping for the general, just as Helga knocks on the door, bringing a present from Herr Flick. The general makes Yvette hide under the bed, where she finds René. Helga puts the gift (a gramophone) on the general's table and starts a striptease to a raunchy music version of the German national anthem. Meanwhile, the colonel and the captain enter the dressing room to switch sausages, but are delayed with peeping through the keyhole of the door to the general's bedroom. While they are doing this, Herr Flick swaps the sausage hanging in the wardrobe for his own and leaves. Then, the colonel and the captain swap their sausage for the one in the wardrobe and also leave. While Helga is stripping on the bed and the general is sitting with her, René manages to move from underneath the bed to the cupboard where Maria is hidden. Having gone through the secret passageways, Edith turns up in the same cupboard, and all three escape down a secret passage. Back in the bedroom, Gruber turns up with a bottle of whisky, in order to do his distraction for the general, who thinks he can take advantage of Yvette, while he takes advantage of Helga.

    Gruber: "Oh dear, is there anything I can do?" Von Klinkerhoffen: "Yes, wind up the gramophone and enjoy yourself. And if you do not fancy that one, there's a spare in the wardrobe."
  • Note: In this episode, Maria's surname is revealed to be "Recamier".
  • Flight of Fancy

  • Original airdate: 26 December 1986
  • Written by: David Croft & Jeremy Lloyd
  • Directed by: Robin Carr & David Croft
  • Produced by: David Croft
  • Episode length: 45 minutes
  • René is in bed, where he has hidden the "real" sausage. Michelle arrives to inform him and Edith that the airplane the British airmen are to escape in, is at the back of the local museum, with other antique vehicles blocking its path out of there. However, René is to arrange a display rally of these old vehicles, in order for them to get them out of the way. As a German soldier comes up the stairs, looking for the bathroom, Michelle hides in the bed, cuddled up with René.

    Captain Geering comes into Colonel Von Strohm's office with a knife, with which they delicately open their sausage to find the painting inside. Meanwhile, Herr Flick arrives. However, before he enters their office, he gives Helga, in the ante room, some flowers. After she has been allowed to kiss him, he tells her that the sausage he stole from General Von Klinkerhoffen's wardrobe was empty. The colonel and the captain find that their sausage is also empty. Before they can let Herr Flick in, they must hide it, and Hans is eventually forced to hide it down his trousers. He says it has come to his attention that the colonel has given permission for a vehicle rally of old tractors, steamrollers and other similar vehicles. As he is suspicious of it, he orders the officers to "mingle" among them, unnoticed. He himself will watch from a distance.

    René is making the table in the backroom, when Maria, disguised as a small boy, comes out from behind the curtains. She says Edith made her disguise that way, until General Von Klinkerhoffen's search party has stopped looking for her. When Edith walks in and find them close together, René explains himself by saying he is flattening Maria's bosom - since small boys do not have "sticky out bosoms". When Maria has left, Edith tells René that lieutenant Gruber is in the bar, looking for René (wanting the painting to copy). René does not want to be seen talking to him and therefore, asks him to come into the backroom. Gruber tells him the colonel is very angry because "his" sausage was empty. However, René informs him that he has the real one - hidden under Fanny's bed. They go upstairs to get it, but as they enter the bedroom, Fanny has started to eat it. Fortunately, she can spit out the peace of canvas she has got into her mouth. She notices that it bears the name of "the Dutch butcher Van Clomp". Gruber assures René that they can "invisibly mend it". As Fanny asks why René brings a German to her bedroom, she becomes very upset, when he tells her that Gruber is his friend. She starts throwing things at him and calls him collaborator and other things. The flashing bedknobs go off just before they have left, and René explains to Gruber that it means Fanny needs to go to the bathroom. As they leave, it is up to the British airmen, who have been hiding in the cupboard, to answer the radio. The message is in French, but fortunately, the French voice asks for them and puts their commanding officer (Hargraves) and the line.

    Yvette is trying to raise enough money for her and René to escape to Paris, by parading in the town square. The German soldiers are not interested in her services, and soon, officer Crabtree comes by to drive her off. As he walks on, he discovers the two airmen in the public toilet in the square and they explain themselves by saying they were wanting a bit of fresh air.

    Monsieur LeClerc arrives with a small cart, disguised as a clown. He informs René that Michelle will collect the lawnmower engine and that René is to find 200 feet of elastic, so that the plane can be catapulted into the air. Every man in the town must give up his braces for the cause. As a German patrol is approaching, René goes inside the café, and LeClerc acts a clown by trying to juggle seven clubs at one time (which he fails).

    While the officers are telling René that Herr Flick will be observing the vehicle parade and that they will also be there, two men come in and give René their braces. René explains this by saying they have just been accepted into the Grand Order of the Night Owls, where one initially must walk around for three weeks without braces, since owls do not wear braces. The Germans leave, but they are very suspicious and René wants to tell Michelle to call the whole thing off. However, Edith will not hear of it and tells him and the girls of the next part of Michelle's plan. The next morning, they are to be disguised as road workers, near the museum, and when the vehicle rally starts, they will go into the museum, where Michelle will be waiting with further instructions. At that same moment, an extremely old woman, with wrinkles and warts on her crooked nose, enters the café. As they lead her up to the bar, it turns out to be Michelle in disguise. She has come to pick up the wheelchair with the engine and the girls help her outside to it.

    The next morning, the café gang and the airmen are working by the side of the road. Gruber (who is to be responsible for leading the rally procession) passes by in his little tank and asks Fanny for the way to the museum. He happens to spot René, disguised as a road-worker, with no shirt on. He accepts René's explanation as to why they are working on the road and then lends him his gloves, so he will not ruin his artistic hands. Meanwhile, Herr Flick and Helga have had a puncture. Helga pumps the air into the tyre while Herr Flick gives the commandments "Pull, thrust, pull, thrust!" When they are done, we are shown the colonel and the captain, who have commandeered a steamroller of their own, to "mingle" into the parade. Herr Flick and Helga, in his staff car, observe the smoke from it.

    LeClerc arrives at the road-worker site, driving a gypsy caravan. He picks up the café gang and take them to the museum.

    Gruber arrives at the museum and informs all the drivers that he will lead the procession. Meanwhile, the officers stop their steamroller at a side road and walk to the parade site, to observe it inconspicuously. Herr Flick and Helga stop his car right in front of the officers' steamroller in order to do the same thing. As the parade starts and all the antique vehicles drive off, the café gang wait in the gypsy caravan by the museum wall for them to leave. When they are gone, they go into the museum.

    After the officers have observed the start of the parade, they go back to their own steamroller. Hans drives it, but cannot stop it - accidentally flattening Herr Flick's staff car, which he had parked in front of the steamroller. Behind the flattened car, they manage to stop the steamroller. As Herr Flick and Helga arrive to find the car flattened, Herr Flick commandeers the steamroller and they all four follow the parade in it.

    Meanwhile, the resistance girls and the café gang put the airmen in the plane, attach one end of the elastic (all the braces) to it and the other end to a car. René and Edith then drive the car to stretch out the elastic. However, when it is stretched, the others are unable to remove the chocks holding the plane up. Edith gets out of the car to push it, but this makes it too light and the elastic pulls the car back into the museum, crashing it into the plane and creating a right mess. The resistance girls disappear into the woods, while everybody else, including the airmen, return to the café in the caravan. However, they happen to leave Edith behind.

  • Note: This episode is slightly longer than the other episodes in this series, as it was broadcast on Boxing Day.
  • Note: This is the second of four times in the entire TV series when Hans Geering can be heard giving the full "Heil Hitler" salute.
  • Pretty Maids All in a Row

  • Original airdate: 2 January 1987
  • Written by: David Croft & Jeremy Lloyd
  • Directed by: Robin Carr & David Croft
  • Produced by: David Croft
  • Episode length: 35 minutes
  • René explains to the audience how he has driven the gypsy caravan back from the museum alone - "apparently out of control" - after the others hade gone out to push it. He has hidden the painting behind a "worthless" picture of some flowers, given to Fanny years ago by a painter in exchange for her services. He then hangs it where nobody would suspect it - on a wall in the café. As he has done so, Yvette storms in and tells him and Edith that General Von Klinkerhoffen has discovered his lawnmower engine, damaged at the museum and he will begin a search of the town for the British airmen. Anyone found hiding them will be shot. However, Maria comes up with a plan. She shaves off their moustaches and dresses them up as bar maids, after which they come down into the café. Edith thinks nobody will suspect them, but René points out that there will be suspicions if the Germans take them upstairs and ask for their favours. Since the airmen do not speak French and the café gang do not speak English, René tries to mime to them that if any German tries to pick them up, they are not to go with him. He does this by indicating a Hitler moustache, making the Heil Hitler salute, walking with marching steps, pointing upstairs, making kissing sounds and indicating "no". Carstairs does not understand it at all and Fairfax thinks it means that if Hitler comes by, they are not to go upstairs with him. René also tells them not to speak, by hushing them. However, Fairfax thinks it means that if they do go upstairs with Hitler, they are not to tell anyone. The next moment, the colonel and the captain knock at the door and Maria pushes the airmen into the kitchen.

    The German officers tell René that the general is very angry after having found his mower engine on the airplane. Secondly, the colonel demands René assure him that he is not hiding the British airmen, which he assures him. Thirdly, the general is looking for the painting and René informs them where it is hidden - a place they think is very good. After he has told them this, Helga comes in and says the general is looking for them. The moment thereafter, Gruber enters and announces General Von Klinkerhoffen, who barges in and makes everybody stand up with their hands on their heads, while the German soldiers search the place. The general also accuses the colonel and the captain of being incompetent and will probably have them court-martialed. However, Helga vouches for them. The next moment, the soldiers bring out the airmen from the kitchen. René and Edith try to explain they have been taken on as extra staff, since they are so busy. However, the general fancies them and requisitions them for work in the chateau - to begin the next morning. Before the general leaves, he spots the painting on the wall. Gruber assures him that it is made by Van Gogh and in order to have it authenticated, the general takes it with him.

    After the Germans have left, the café gang come to the conclusion they must inform Michelle of what has happened. However, she already knows, since she has been hiding behind the bar all the time. She talks to the airmen and it turns out, they need uniforms - otherwise they will be shot as spies. They all go upstairs to contact London on the radio.

    When they enter the bedroom, Fanny complains that her bed is full of old ladies. It turns out Yvette and Maria have hidden there, disguised as old crones. The next moment, the bedknobs start flashing and they can soon get in touch with London. Since the airmen have not shown up there, London assumes they have drowned in the Channel. However, René informs London that they are still with them and that they need two uniforms urgently. However, London informs them there are no available planes - thus, the uniforms cannot be sent.

    Herr Flick and Von Smallhausen are sitting in a tree, eavesdropping on the radio with headphones. This way, they find out about the airmen being disguised. Helga informs them that there are two new maids at the café and this makes Herr Flick urgent to investigate.

    Officer Crabtree enters the café and informs René there are two girls dressed as "tarts" outside. René then tells him that they are the British airmen and urges him to make sure nobody picks them up, which he does. Meanwhile, monsieur LeClerc is asked to keep an eye on the bar while the rest of the café gang meet up with Michelle in the backroom. She says the airmen will be hidden where nobody will find them and for this, she has engaged the services of monsieur Alfonse. For some time now, he has been digging a tunnel from his mortuary to the prisoner of war camp on the other side of the road. Meanwhile, the British prisoners in this camp have been digging a tunnel out of there and they are about to connect. Therefore, she leaves the question of smuggling the two airmen to the mortuary to René, but once they are there, they will be hidden inside the camp. Edith comes up with a plan, which she tells to Yvette and Maria.

    In the colonel's office, the general and the lieutenant are examining the painting, while the colonel and the captain are waiting nervously outside. After a while, Gruber shows them in and the general orders them to watch the café René closely, as that is the closest lead they have when it comes to finding the British airmen. He has also found out, from Gruber, that the painting is a genuine Van Gogh. After he has shown them out, he asks Gruber to come in again and orders him to make a copy of the Van Gogh painting but not tell anyone about it. Helga then comes in and announces Herr Flick and Von Smallhausen. They inform the general that they intend to infiltrate the café in disguise - dressed up as French maids. The general does not approve of this.

    That same night, Gruber is playing piano at the café. Meanwhile, Yvette is cuddling with the captain and manages to get hold of his gun. Under the pretence of filling up his wine glass, she goes to the bar, where René puts blanks in the gun, after which Yvette returns it to Hans. The others prepare to act out a scene in the café. René, Edith and LeClerc dress up as Spaniards and perform a "Flamenco Fandango". Soon, officer Crabtree sends in the airmen, dressed as tarts. René dances with them and acts very intimately with them. Apparently, Edith becomes jealous of him and demands he stop. However, he acts nonchalant and tells her he will take them upstairs. She then asks the captain to defend her honour. He is somewhat reluctant and therefore, she grabs his gun in order to shoot René (with the blanks). Instead she happens to "shoot" the airmen, who fall down on the floor, with bloodstained handkerchiefs (with ketchup on). At that moment, officer Crabtree enters the café to arrest the captain, since he is holding the smoking gun and is clearly the guilty party. René informs him that he has no authority over the Germans but if the general would find out, both the captain and the colonel would be in deep trouble. René "bribes" the policeman with 50,000 francs to look the other way. Then he asks for an undertaker and monsieur Alfonse reports himself. When they have made all Germans in the café leave by the backdoor, monsieur Alfonse and officer Crabtree move "the bodies" to the mortuary.

  • Note: This is the third of four times in the entire TV series when Hans Geering can be heard giving the full "Heil Hitler" salute (to general von Klinkerhoffen).
  • The Great Un-Escape

  • Original airdate: 9 January 1987
  • Written by: David Croft & Jeremy Lloyd
  • Directed by: Robin Carr & David Croft
  • Produced by: David Croft
  • Episode length: 35 minutes
  • René is sitting outside his café, polishing the cutlery. This is so he can observe Edith as she goes into the butcher's shop. As she does, he has ten minutes to cuddle with his waitresses Yvette and Maria. As he cuddles with Maria in the backroom, they are interrupted by Michelle, who tells him that the airmen need help digging the tunnel into the prisoner of war camp. The undertakers cannot help, since they are digging graves to put all the loose earth in.

    In Fanny's bedroom, René and Edith put new batteries in the radio. Fanny complains that the Germans have taken her painting of the flowers. René and Edith think it was only a "worthless painting", but Fanny says it is very dear to her. It was given to her by a "penniless artist who went round the twist". He said if she would not marry him, he would cut off parts of his body and send them to her and he did send his ear. As they ask her what his name was and she replies "I called him Bobby. I thought Vincent sounded too poofy" they realise that the painting was made by the famous artist Vincent van Gogh. The next moment, London calls on the radio and asks "Has old mother Hubbard got together with Miss Muffet and Little Boy Blue?" (meaning "Are the airmen inside the prisoner of war camp?"). They reply, in code, that they are not in yet.

    Herr Flick and Von Smallhausen are sitting in Herr Flick's office, listening in on the radio transmission. As Von Smallhausen was educated at Oxford, he recognises the words as nursery rhymes. He remembers that Old Mother Hubbard had a cupboard ("airmen can hide in a cupboard"), Little Miss Muffet had a tuffet (made by moles living underground) and Little Boy Blue had a horn (which Herr Flick associates with "French horn"). This makes them figure out that the airmen have been hidden in a cupboard by the French underground movement (the resistance). As Von Smallhausen also remembers that Old Mother Hubbard was looking in the cupboard to find a bone for her doggie, Herr Flick notes that bones can be found at a graveyard, where there has been much digging lately. They therefore decide to investigate the graveyard.

    Captain Hans Geering is sitting alone at the café. He is downhearted because the colonel will not speak to him. The reason is the shooting the night before, where Hans's gun was used. René tries to cheer him up and, holding his hand and looking affectionately at him, the captain assures him he is very grateful and cannot thank him enough. At this very moment, Lieutenant Hubert Gruber comes in and is not entirely comfortable with the intimacy the captain shows to René. The next second, Colonel Kurt Von Strohm enters, greeting René and Hubert, but ignoring Hans. He asks Hubert about the status of the painting and he informs him, that it is safe in his quarters. The colonel asks him to make two copies of "The Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies" - one to give to Hitler and one to give to Herr Flick. As Hubert informs him that General Von Klinkerhoffen wants a copy of the Van Gogh painting (to give to Hitler) they decide to make Hubert make another copy, to give to the general, so they can sell the original after the war.

    Outside the church, there is much grave-digging going on, in the rain. Inside, Herr Flick is disguised as a priest and Helga as a nun. As they are to wait and observe, Helga asks if he wishes her to kiss him. He tells her not to while she is dressed as a nun - it would give offence. She asks whom it would offend and the reply comes from Von Smallhausen, who shows up dressed as a bishop, that it would offend him. That very moment, a French girl shows up in front of Herr Flick and gives a confession to him, about having done very dark and naughty deeds. He gives her the penance of going home and saying 100 "Heil Hitlers".

    The airmen are digging away in the tunnel. Michelle asks them how they are doing and tell them they will get help from the café. Meanwhile, some British prisoners of war are digging from the other way.

    Monsieur LeClerc enters the café, disguised as a policeman. He tells René and Edith that they are to go at once to the mortuary to help with the digging. Edith then tells him to bring her mother down, so she can look after the bar. Then, officer Crabtree shows up, informing them that he has hushed up the shooting of the two tarts, that the graveyard is under surveillance from the Gestapo in disguise and that the airmen are digging away. He is to escort the café gang to the mortuary and as a cover; Edith tells the German officers that they will go to the mortuary to pay their respects to the two tarts that were shot in the café the night before. When they have left, the colonel starts talking to the captain again and says they should follow the café gang. However, the captain reminds him that the general told them to watch the café and as that is much more comfortable; they decide to "follow orders" instead. However, when Fanny comes down and starts singing La vie en rose, they decide to follow the gang instead. After a while, the café is empty of customers, because nobody wants to hear her bad singing.

    After Herr Flick has given a sermon, he is still suspicious of the grave-digging and decide they should go to the mortuary to investigate.

    The airmen are having a break, but when somebody is coming, they have to lie down and play dead. Fortunately, it is Michelle and the café gang. As they have heard scratching sounds down the tunnel, they are apparently close to breaking through to the prisoners of war digging out. Suddenly, monsieur Alfonse comes out of the tunnel, with a pot full of earth. The airmen get down the tunnel again, continuing digging, while the others are to form a chain with pots to heave the loose earth out of the tunnel. As they are doing this, the colonel and the captain show up at the mortuary. At the same time, the airmen and the prisoners of war break through in the tunnel. However, as the Germans are approaching, they (and Michelle and the café gang) are all forced to go up the tunnel into the prisoner of war camp.

    Monsieur Alfonse greets the two Germans who are rather suspicious, as they have seen René enter the mortuary, but not come out. They find a coffin full of earth and earth on the floor in front of a marble tomb. They open it and, discovering the tunnel, go down it.

    In the camp, the other prisoners are rather surprised at seeing Fairfax and Carstairs - and Michelle and the café gang. As there is an inspection in five minutes, they must be hidden. Meanwhile, the colonel is stuck in the tunnel and as the captain pulls him a bit forward, the tunnel caves in behind them. Therefore, they must crawl ahead, until they have also come out in the camp. An announcement is heard about General Von Klinkerhoffen coming to inspect the prisoners in five minutes. However, they manage to disguise everybody, including the German officers, and line up outside the hut. The general inspects them, but does not find out who they really are. As he leaves the camp, all the prisoners whistle the Hitler Has Only Got One Ball.

  • Note: This episode features the last appearance of Francesca Gonshaw as Maria Recamier.
  • Note: This is the fourth time in the entire TV series when Hans Geering can be heard giving the full "Heil Hitler" salute (to Colonel).
  • References

    'Allo 'Allo! (series 3) Wikipedia